Archive for April, 2009

What happens when you’re unemployed

Posted in Uncategorized on April 18, 2009 by TheGodfather

NOT A DAMN THING! It’s the same thing over and over day after day, sleep until whenever, jump on the computer and look at job posting’s on some website be it jobnoggin, wijobs.com or whatever. There sure isn’t shit out there so I’ve resorted to calling all former employers and see if they need any help or know of someone looking for help. This really sucks, what is even more stupid is I got fired for a stupid reason, having facial hair and having a laptop at work. Well maybe i wouldn’t of had my laptop at work if you’d allow internet access on the computers there, or if it wasn’t so fucking boring there that I had to resort to doing something just so i wouldn’t fall asleep. Ah well, that job sucked anyways. So now I get to sit around and wait to hear from companies I’ve applied with and wonder when my first unemployment check will arrive, hopefully tomorrow or the next day who knows. Let’s see what else has been happening……I still can’t pass the practice test’s to be able to retest for my Microsoft Certification’s and no one will hire me without them so i’m pretty much screwed and stuck in dead end jobs for life. I suck at test’s always have always will. Called the school and they said they aren’t willing to help me with the stuff either so FUCK THEM. I was going to take bartending courses online for only $25 for a 4 hour thing. but I got my last check and couldn’t afford it. I guess I’m a stupid person knowing that the job market is shitty and still didn’t really care that i got fired. I was gonna sue them for wrongful termination but my lawyer advised that it wasn’t a smart thing to do. So guess what I did? I went and talked to a different lawyer LOL. She’s looking into it and to see if I have an actual case or a legit reason to take them to court. Let’s see what else……..Nothin really, been getting bored with the internet lately. I really don’t want to be on here but gotta keep looking for a job. Got a phone call from a friend the other day and he asked “is it normal for a person to say right before he falls asleep, “gee I hope i don’t wake up in the moring?”, um…….not really. I asked what’s goin on and he said he’s just stressed out. I told him as soon as I get a normal income again that him and I would go out for drinks, It seemed to cheer him up. OOOOOOH I found some hilarious stuff on youtube the other day by someone named Jabo0dyDubs. Look him up he does voice over dubs for billy mays infomercails. I can’t stop watching these things. It Makes me laugh everytime. well that’s it for now. i’ll be posting more now that i have the time lol

The Epic Public Restroom Battle

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 16, 2009 by TheGodfather

True Story: Battle Asses.

Sorry, I don’t have anything to post about layoffs or politics, but I DO have another story from the Public Bathroom. Enjoy.

You are my arch nemisis. I see you wandering around as I go about my IT Computer Nerd business: Tall. Middle Eastern. Pot Belly. We catch each others eye every now and then and give each other a slight nod. I know you, I know what you do and I am on to your games.

I saw you this morning, we made eye contact. You nodded and took another bite of whatever Death-Ass producing garbage you fuel up on that makes the bathroom, smell like the inside of a dead monkey’s colon, and nodded at me. I got you this time, fucker.

I give you my icey grin and nod back, then hurry back to my office. It’s almost noon, and that’s the time you like to run to the toilet and preform your daily ASS JIHAD on all the people just trying to wash their hands. Maybe in your country there is no commen sense that would tell you that lunch time = hand wash time. People want to get clean and eat, not be fumigated with the high octane liquid shit attack you subjigate them too.

But I got you this time. Yeah fucker I GOT SOMETHING COOKING UP FOR YOU! Two egg sandwiches with cheese. Greasy sausage patties. A couple glasses of Tang. Some leftover Chinese food. A Twix. Root Beer Soda. Some steamed brocoli I had in the fridge. A Hot Pocket with peperonni and cheese. A Chocolate Poptart. And like a cherry on top … a McDonald’s Quaterpounder with cheese.

I never eat this shit, it’s all greasy and fucking nasty, but today is the day I fight back. I go out for a quick mile jog and almsot die. My stomach feels like there are two midgets fighting to the death inside there. I walk back to work, ass clenched tighter than a virgin’s thighs at Church.

Great. The hot chick from next door wants to chat. She assumes the sweat on my face and arms is from running. She doesn’t realize that it’s a cold sweat induced by my severe sphicter trauma. She finally shuts up and I stagger to the Death Ass Arena.

You are there already in your favorite stall: The one right next to the fucking sinks. You stupid, socially retarded fuck. Fine. You have yet to begin your daily purge of Middle Eastern Ass Stew. I enter the stall next to you and drop my pants in preperation of the upcomming battle.

Your opening slavo is fired: A sloppy wet fart with a solid-shot closer. I laugh and show you the power of Advanced American Foodstuffs.

The tuba fart I unleash echos off the walls and shrinks my waistline about an inch. The guy at the urinal laughs as I slap the wall between you and I and say “Back to YOU, Kajid!”. You are silent, I assume you know who I am and that the time has come for us to battle. I know you are summoning your intestinal fortitude for full out war.

You do not dissapoint me.

With a hissing “SSSShhhhhzzzzzzzzz!” you squirt out a deadly spray of ass juice that pollutes the air and makes my head swim. The pisser at the urinal is no longer laughing, he quickly zips up and runs for the door. He did not stop to wash his hands, instead opting to head for the hills. I cover my mouth and nose with my shirt and the black spots dissapear from my vision. My head clears. I am ready.

“AAaaaaaaaRRRRRGGGHHH!” I yell, as I drop Big Tim. That’s short for “Big Timber” … AKA “Mississippi Butt Log”.

Quick-fire farts stutter out of my ass, as I push the monster log from the Shit Dimension into our reality. The beefy, yeasty stench easily overpowers the Indian Ass Gutter oder of your previous attack. Mega Turd hits the water in the bowl with a mighty splash, the reek is that of a dead whale slowly ripening in the hot, tropical sun. I catch my breath and wipe my brow, and start to pat myself on the back. I should have known the battle was not over.

The only thing I can think of is that you must has completly unzipped your ass to your elbow. That’s the only way I could begin to explain the lumpy, creamy splashs falling out of your ass into the toilet. It sounds like you are pouring a gallon of strawberry shake with whole strawberries in it into the shitter. I see the hairs on my arms start to curl from the horrid stench wafting up from under your stall. I shudder and sway on my throne, unsure if I will survive.

I have no choice. I must employ the Deal Breaker. I hunker down and clench my hands together. My fingers twitch and entwine like a nest of snakes, almost like I am running through a series of ancient Ninja Hand Symbols. My feet lift up onto the toes and my legs start to shake.

“You want to play??” I growls. A low moaning comes from my stomach, like a dinosaur calling into a swampy, foggy night. “YOU GOT IT! AAAAAAHHHHHH!”

Like Cloud summoning The Knights of the Round in Final Fantasy 7, I summon the Excalibur of Turd Demons to destroy my enemy. Hot magma-like shit rockets out of my ass, releasing a noxious, sticky cloud of deadly recal perfume. I hear you gag and see your feet shuffle around, but you can’t get away, can you? No. You can’t.

Veins throb on my neck and temples as the turd monster tears itself from my bowels. My lips skin back from my now clenched teeth and I try not to scream. Your roll of toilet paper rolls into my stall. You must have torn it from the wall with numb fingers in an attempt to “Wipe and Scoot”. Too late. MUCH too late!

Oders pound you with merciless fists: Rotten Fruitcake stuffed with boiled chicken assholes. Hammered shit-logs served on a bed of week old white rice. Rosie O’Donnel’s racid crotch farts. The smell of your mom’s dank, hairy Middle Eastern armpits.

Your stall door bangs open and you stagger out. You take three unsteady steps to the door and can barely open it wide enough to slip out. I laugh at you before you leave. “Yeah! RUN, Fucker!” I yell, and laugh again. You say nothing.

It’s all over except for the clean up. Fuck with me again, you shit filled Anal Terrorist. Me and my ass will be waiting.

Posted in worldess wednesday on April 15, 2009 by TheGodfather

UPDATE Not Sure What To Think About Tomorrow UPDATE

Posted in Uncategorized on April 11, 2009 by TheGodfather

Some people have asked and been wondering about what happened after the Not Sure What To Think About Tomorrow post so here ya go…….

So that whole day came and during the day not one phone call from her askin where we were meeting or anything, so she blew me off (and not in a good way). But that’s ok I still went out that night with two really good friends and met this other chick while we were hangin out and she seems cool and what not although she seemed alittle odd when we were back at my friends house drinking and my friend put on Grease that was on VH1 classic and that part where Danny is dancing at the school dance with that lady in the black and blue dress well my friend Craig and I started slow dancing with eachother which ended with me and him dry humping on their bed and laughing our ass’ off. When all of a sudden my friend Craig says “ewww i felt your dick on me, how dare you get wood” (FYI i had no wood) to which we both started laughing hysterically and I fell off the bed and to the ground. the rest of the night was kind of a blur, i think i took the girl home and went home to sleep, i’m not sure. I do know that this girl and I have been out twice now and she seems to be really diggin me, although last night she puked on me from drinking to much and not eating LoL but ah well I might call her again I don’t know. So that’s it, i got dissed by the chick i wanted to go out with and met another really cool chick.

A Long Friggen Post Dealing With The Next Couple Of Days

Posted in Holidays on April 8, 2009 by TheGodfather

well I just wanted to post this movie cause of this week being Easter Week, ENJOY!

Posted in worldess wednesday on April 1, 2009 by TheGodfather

funny-road-signs