A not so happy labor day weekend

So part of this entry comes to you from a hospital bed. Saturday after I cut the grass, something inside me snapped i guess you could say, I don’t know what it was, the stress of not being able to find a job, the fact my whole family thinks i’m a failure, the fact that I was using my parents ATM card to buy cigarette’s and soda while i’ve been unemployed parents telling me they are calling the cops and i’m going to go sit in jail, I don’t know i’ll i know is i started popping pills left and right, some of my mom’s blood thinners, and 2 sheets worth of Benadryl, and started drinking heavily. I wanted my life to be over so I could stop being a burden on everyone that I know or anyone who has ever met me. I was about to take a knife to my arm(down the road not across the street) when my cousin kicked in my bedroom door and stopped me. He threw me in his truck and took me to the ER with the rest of my family following. Everyone would of been better off if they would of just left me be is what I was thinking to myself as i was wheeled into the hospital. Doctors and nurses were scrambling around asking questions, if i’ve been drinking, how many pills i took, where my family found me ect. ect. then they proceed to bring in the stomach pump machine. after awhile they stopped that and gave me some charcoal stuff. then begins the 48 hour suicide watch, luckily the head IT guy at the hospital is a member of my mom’s church and he hooked me up with a hospital laptop connected to the internet so i could surf the web if i wanted to, i listened to alot of music via youtube, plurked here and there, and sat there for a day wishing no one would of stopped me. The next day the pastor at my mom’s church came to see me. I don’t know this man so i threw the empty plastic basin/bed pan whatever the hell it is at him to told him to get the fuck out. he did and stood in the hallway talking to my family. Why would i want to talk to some fuck stick i don’t even know? well alittle later that afternoon i started “cheering” up i guess you could say, i was looking for stupid shit on youtube. Talked to a friend on yahoo, told her what was going on cause i needed someone to talk to. then sunday night came and it’s the usual, nurses in and out checking on me, asking how i’m doing, checking my vitals. So they let me come home today if i promised to call the outpatient treatment place at the nuthouse. I did just so i could get out of there(also asked if i could take the bed with me) but i’m not calling shit. i can’t afford treatment or therapy, and i’ll be damned if i’m getting another thing on my credit report to fuck it up more then it already is. So now i’m home, in my room, back on my laptop. staring at the 2 empty sheets of Benadryl i took two days ago. but i will say this….I want to know who cleaned my room while i was in the hospital? I can’t find shit in here now. ah well i guess i’m still alive and “should” be happy about that. but i’m not i still have the thoughts swimming around in the back of my head. well that’s it. that’s my story, that’s the thing i was talking about on plurk alittle while ago when i said alot of people will unfriend me and all that. now you all know, but i’m back from the grave. Stomach still hurts like hell from the stomach pump but i guess it’s what i get.

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9 Responses to “A not so happy labor day weekend”

  1. haven’t and won’t defriend you. Oh so grateful in a selfish way you’re still with me. It took guts to post this and that is one of the many thing i love about you. (((((hugs))) I just wanted you to know…. I’d have been sad had you not still been with us

  2. HEY! I’m glad you’re still here. No unfriending from me.

  3. HAven’t and wouldn’t. I agree with the wise Cyli, it took a lot of guts to write this. I would have been very sad to not have you around anymore. ((hugs))

  4. Zengoddessjen Says:

    Is this a ploy to get me to WI to come and kick your ass in person? Why didn’t you call me?!?!?!?! Look motherfucker, I’m not ready to become a
    widow yet so knock it off 😉

    On a serious note, I love you. You are an amazing friend and an amazing soul. Please, know that regardless of how dim things look know, your
    friends will always be here when you need us

  5. You have made the first step back to the land of the living by writing this. I only wish I had known how bleak things had become. Please don’t ever forget that we will be friends for life.

  6. tinyshrimp Says:

    I would never defriend someone over this. If anything it shows me that I haven’t been a very good friend to you. I’m glad that you are still with us. I’m here if you need someone. *hugs*

  7. Wow. I’m a bit out of loop here. I am so glad you wrote this and are on your way back I may not say too much but I certainly love being able to call you my friend.

  8. *hugs*

    Next time, call everyone one of us until you reach one of us, and vent. Got it? Because if you make me cry, I’ll make @cajunvegan do some voodoo shit and bring you back to life, then i’ll kick your ass. And not in the good way you like.

    Seriously, though, like I said the other day … I would have been very sad to not have you in my life. You’re my friend and I love you and care about you. I want you to love you and care about you too.

    Welcome back.

  9. tunisienne Says:

    DONT DO IT! I can give you a million reasons to hang on. Feel free to email me tunisienneatmsn
    I might be a perfect stranger to you, I hope I can be a friend.

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